Fear is one of my top sins! Fear of sickness hitting our home is on the top of the list and here we are in week five of it. Many pages of my journal are filled with words of repentance and tears about my fear and my desire for control. When all four of my kids are sick and whining, I feel out of control. When I know a kid is about to throw up and I can't predict where it will land, I feel out of control. When my anxiety and fear of germs flares up, I feel out of control. Receiving a diagnosis of Down Syndrome and all that that means for my baby, I feel out of control. I hate to feel out of control.
So in the midst of this long stretch of sickness, guess what, I am learning again that I am not in control, but I have experienced and felt the care and guidance of the one who is. In month eight of knowing my baby, Breck, I still feel out of control and weak. Receiving Breck's diagnosis and hearing from the geneticist that 1 in 800 woman have babies with Downs Syndrome I saw again the face of the one who is in control. He held me that day and he has held me through all of this family sickness as well.
These past eight months and recently in these past five weeks, I have spent many dark moments in my kitchen choking back tears as I am being circled by four needy children and feeling too weak to meet any of their needs. I have cried ugly tears in the shower calling out to Jesus and expressing how weak I am. I have eaten way too much chocolate and ice cream. I have fallen into the pit of self-pity and have felt the hand of the Father pull me out and remind me of his tender care.
Jesus is working in my heart and gently showing me that I am not in control. These past eight months, and these past five weeks have just been a part of that journey. As I celebrate turning 35 today I think this will continue to be an area of sanctification for me. I have seen God's kindness in each new sickness and I have seen us survive. It's funny how experiencing something and overcoming it sort of dissolves the fear and makes us just a little more brave to face the other fears that might be lurking in the shadows. Just like Peter walking towards Jesus on the water, as soon as he looks away he begins to sink. I am looking at you Jesus and holding on tight.