Fear of Death

I've always been afraid of dying. I love Jesus and I have since I was eleven, and yes, I know what death means, but I am still scared. Before I was married I was scared of missing out on falling in love. After Drew and I were married I was terrified of Drew dying. When Drew and I were first married his two youngest brothers were visiting us in Colorado and Drew had to drive in a blizzard to the airport. I was in tears at the thought of him leaving and through my blubbering I mumbled, "I will go because I would rather die than you." I will never forget the looks on his brother's faces, "Who is this crazy woman?"  My fear of death turned to missing out on having children to then, once we had kids, terrified of dying and leaving my family.  I was paralyzed by this fear after I had my first daughter Anna and that fear has been present after each child.  Hearing stories about children losing their parents early on and the ramifications of that loss and tragedy often sends me down the rabbit hole of despair.  I've watched my own father wrestle with his humanity as his Lymphoma was getting worse and then I watched him in his bed frail and weak facing death. I've lost other family members, and even recently an uncle that I loved dearly. The grief of death is real, deep, and painful.

I have to fight the darkness of these thoughts when I hear of young mothers dying, cancer, car accidents, and now Covid-19. Covid-19 has brought a new reality and therefore some deep fears. I have found an anger well up inside me when Drew has to leave to go to work. I lashed out in anger at my daughter Anna when she forgot and went right up to the mailman to receive the mail. My hands are cracking and bleeding because I am washing them so much. I don't want to hear someone tell me that God numbers our days. I don't want to hear about God's sovereignty over our lives. I know these things. I've studied the theology behind these things. I want my control and I don't want anyone to take it away from me. I hate this virus and I want this all to be over!

Can I really join with Paul when he says, "Indeed, I count everything as a loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord." Philippians 3:8

Or, "For me to live is Christ, and to die is gain. If I am to live in the flesh, that means fruitful labor for me. Yet which I shall choose I can not tell. I am hard pressed between the two. My desire is to depart and be with Christ, for that is far better."

Can I look at death in the face and say with Paul, "O death, where is your victory? O death, where is your sting?"

No, I really can't! I actually have a hard time reading these verses because they are convicting of my lack of faith. The idols of my heart of control, comfort, and ease. The onset of this pandemic has sent me spiraling. Scrolling past pastors on my Instagram feed (even my own husband) because I don't want to hear the truth. I want to stand in the corner, cover my ears and wait for it all to pass so I can return to my naive sense of control. I've seen this sin in my heart before. This fear of death is not new to me. This desire for control is probably one of my top sins. So what do I do with all of this? How can I possibly move forward? The truth is I can't just get past it or move on. The Spirit that is in me calls me to grow. God's word calls me to turn from my sin to Jesus. This week is Holy Week where we celebrate the death and resurrection of Jesus. Romans 5:6, "For while we were still weak, at the right time Christ died for the ungodly." I am weak and after listening to a sermon by Tim Keller this morning I was convicted that if I am to celebrate Easter then I have to take a look at my sin and my fear of death. My fear of death and desire for control have been crucified with Christ. As a believer I am no longer a slave to these sins, but have been redeemed through Christ's death and resurrection.

Romans 6:9-11 says, "We know that Christ, being raised from the dead, will never die again; death no longer has dominion over him. For the death he died he died to sin, once for all, but the life he lives he lives to God. So you must also consider yourselves dead to sin and alive to God in Christ Jesus." Being united to Christ through his death means that death and sin NO longer have dominion over me.

Keller pointed out Acts 2:22-24. The first Easter sermon preached:

"Men of Israel, hear these words: Jesus of Nazareth, a man attested to you by God with mighty works and wonders and signs that God did through him in your midst, as you yourselves know--This Jesus, delivered up according to the definite plan and foreknowledge of God, you crucified and killed by the hands of lawless men. God raised him up, loosing the pangs of death, because it was not possible for him to be held by it."

Also Hebrews 2:14-15, "Since therefore the children share in flesh and blood, he himself likewise partook of the same things, that through death he might destroy the one who has the power of death, that is, the devil, and deliver all those who through fear of death were subject to lifelong slavery."

Loosing the pangs of death! As Keller said today by quoting George Herbert, "Death used to be an executioner, but because of the gospel it has become a gardener."

For believers death is not the end because of Jesus' resurrection. "To die is to gain" because to be with Christ is by far greater. This does not take away the sting on this earth when we lose someone we love. Even Jesus grieved death on earth. He looked death in the face after Lazarus died and roared like an angry lion ready to defeat his prey. Death would not have the victory because Jesus would.

If Drew were to die tomorrow my heart would scream and I would wrestle with Jesus, but he would never let go of me. I would continue to bring my fears before the Lord and ask him to help me in my unbelief. I would eventually see the hope again because the same Spirit that rose Jesus from the dead is working in my heart.

Covid-19 is running rampant in the world and taking people's lives and if you are like me, sitting in fear or hiding in the corner closing your ears, I invite you to lift up your head with me and look at the empty grave. Lament, grieve, cry, and scream at all the brokenness around us, and then celebrate Jesus this Easter!

"Death is swallowed up in victory."
"O death, where is your victory?"
"O death, where is your sting?"
"The sting of death is sin, and the power of sin is the law. But thanks be to God, who gives us victory through our Lord Jesus Christ."