I Never Imagined...

Sitting in the glowing blue hospital room, the whirling sound of the ventilation system filling the room, and seeing my baby through the slats of his white hospital crib I texted my friend. "I never imagined I would be one of these moms. If you know what I mean." She responded with three simple words. "I know friend." My friend started her journey way before me. Our stories are different, but either way we both entered a world we never imagined. I remember watching her from afar and thinking, "I could never do what she does." I had no idea that one day I would be.

My journey into motherhood is never what I imagined it would be:

I never imagined I would get pregnant within the first month of trying.

I never imagined I would lose that baby.

I never imagined the entitled anger at God that I would feel after losing our first baby.

I never imagined I would lose another baby.

I never imagined I would face the question of, "Can I even have babies?"

I never imagined the love and complete fear I would feel as my first child was placed in my arms.

I never imagined I would face such deep postpartum anxiety and OCD.

I never imagined I would hear the doctor say, "There's your baby and there's your other baby!" TWINS!

I never imagined I would be visiting my baby in the NICU rather then bringing him home.

I never imagined I would hear the words, "We believe your baby has Downs Syndrome."

I've been stretched physically and emotionally. I've cried a lot, I mean a lot. I've told God, "I can't do this." I've asked those hard questions to God. I've been paralyzed by fear because of anxiety and intrusive thoughts.  I've lamented to the Lord my struggle with being a mom and the mundaneness and exhaustion of it all. I've lost my patience and repented thousands of times.  I've given so many hugs and kisses!

My friend didn't give me platitudes.
She didn't say, "It's ok, don't worry. God's got you." She didn't try to take away the pain. She simply affirmed. She simply affirmed that it's hard.

A year ago today Breck was transported to the hospital in an ambulance after he stopped breathing and collapsed in my arms.  I never imagined I would experience all that this past year has brought or the experiences that the last five years of motherhood has given me.  It has been the hardest and most joyful things I've ever experienced.  Through these last five years and especially this past year I have watched God meet me in everything and provide for me the strength, energy, and courage I needed to face so many things I never imagined I would have to face. His grace and kindness are good and motherhood has taught me to lean on it and to lean in hard!


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